I Hear You. I Believe You

Frankly, those simple words can make a difference in a victim’s life.

That was Susan’s experience.

Susan lived in an abusive relationship with her husband. She often had curfews, and had extreme consequences if they were missed. She wasn’t allowed to even make eye contact with other men without him accusing her of cheating on him.  He always complained about how she was just not “wife material” if she didn’t do everything he asked of her or if she didn’t do things the way he thought she should do for him.  Her husband did everything in his power to make sure that she felt like a failure. “He owned me. I was his possession” she recalled.

Although he never hit her; he was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. Susan describes herself as a friendly person with lots of friends. Yet, she only remembers one friend ever mentioning any concern for her well-being in the relationship. Before she was about to get married one of her friends tried to help by saying she thought her husband to be was “a little jealous”. “I wish what she would have said is, ‘He’s controlling. He’s too jealous. He doesn’t want you to spend time with anyone but him,’” Susan explained.

Years later Susan finally got up her courage and left. She went to the Flannery-Keal Home and is currently working though her trauma from her years in a toxic relationship.

If you know someone who is just starting a new relationship you feel may be toxic and see something that just doesn’t seem right, as a good friend or family member being specific with your concerns is the best way you can assist that person.

Other tips for talking to a friend or family member about a toxic relationship are:

• Talk to them privately, honestly and specifically about your concerns and what you are seeing.
• Don’t minimize the relationship’s importance or belittle the abuser. If you do, that can possibly make the victim defensive and more likely to stay in the relationship.

And, most importantly, be patient – a victim will leave their abuser up to seven times and sometimes will choose to never leave.

If you just need reassurance that you are saying the right thing to your friend or family member or want to refer them to an expert, call Hands of Hope’s 24 hour helpline at 765-664-0701.