Your Children Are Not Your Children

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Gibran’s poem was set to music and popularized in the 1980s by the Flirtations.  I sang it as a lullaby to my children in the 1990s and 2000s.  I sang it to Will in the hospital when he was delirious from cancer treatment side effects.  I remember, as a new mother, being a little stunned by the lyrics and then relieved at the epiphany that my role was to help them emerge as their best selves.  It took the pressure of parenting perfection off at some point.  I was raising my children to be independent of me—not an extension or a mirror image of me.

Even with my early revelations, I struggled to make the right choices for them without considering the impact on myself.  For example, looking back, I wonder if I supported their interests well enough over time—one of my kids desperately wanted rabbits but I didn’t want the responsibility of caring for them if this was a temporary obsession.  I limited activities to two per child believing I was helping them to avoid burnout and over scheduling.  Did this prescriptive limit prevent them from discovering and pursuing hobbies and passions that would contribute to their life’s purpose?  What gifts have I stifled unknowingly?

As parents we have the opportunity to observe our children’s gifts and invest in those gifts so they may discover themselves and become fully realized beings.  Our challenge is getting out of their way and our own way.  If your child is excited about the environment, take them on a trash walk; spend time at the library finding books that provide information and fun facts about the environment; host an Earth Day party for your child and their friends; subscribe to an age appropriate magazine and find websites.  If they love art or crafting, keep your cupboards full of art and crafting supplies and allow free time to make a mess.  Your child may love climbing or biking or skateboarding—commit to helping them do what they love.  The key is to LISTEN to our children and help them pursue THEIR dreams and goals.

“Your children are not your children….You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.”