Keep It Interesting

Living in separate states and relegated to FaceTime calls that provided a brief glimpse at our circumstances was our forced existence.  That distance, even with the best of care, wears on a marriage and Mike and I have found ourselves out of sync as I try to reinsert myself into the family unit at home.  I’m reminded of what military families go through after long deployment absences and know better what that feels like.

In talking with other caregiving couples, the experience is nearly the same for all.  We’ve had hilarious discussions.  “When did my husband start walking so loudly?”  And “Oh. My. Goodness! He chews so loud!”  And my favorite came from a close friend who said, “When did my husband start breathing so loudly?”  We nearly double over in laughter as we reveal our innermost embarrassing thoughts of our beloved knowing full well they are thinking equally uncomplimentary things about us as we work to find our place inside the relationship.

Mix the little annoyances with a pandemic that forces you to spend ALL your time together and you get a recipe for conflict.

Some of you may be thinking, “This doesn’t apply to me. I’m not a caregiver to someone with a chronic health condition.”  My two cents—I think it applies to anyone in a meaningful relationship.  We learn and grow at different rates inside a relationship.  Life delivers all sorts of transitions—additions to the family, losses, kids growing and leaving, job changes, moves, etc.  We have varying capacities to give and take over time and we thrive when we are in sync through the rolling hills of life.  However, occasionally the growth or give and take of one person out strips the other’s capacity to match up and feels more like a big speed bump than a gently rolling hill.

So what do you do when you’re out of sync?  Keep it interesting—meaning, keep yourself interesting.  Instead of focusing on the annoyances of the other person, focus on making yourself interesting to them and to yourself.  Engage in a hobby and then use that as a talking point when you’re together.  Start dating again.  Be purposeful about the time you spend together and keep it sacred—no distractions.  Start dreaming together.  And ask powerful questions to deepen the intimacy.  Examples might include these from the 69 Thought Provoking Conversation Starters for Your Relationship by Marcus and Ashley Kusi.

• How do you feel most connected in our friendship?
• Tell me about a challenge you’ve had in your life. What are you grateful for from that experience and what did you learn?
• How would you start your ideal morning?

These conversation starters can help you begin the process of finding your way back to each other and that next honeymoon period.  Therein lies the charm of a long term relationship—knowing “this too shall pass” and you can weather the ups and downs indicates the relationship is for the long haul.  And always keep it interesting.