Becoming a good man can be difficult to figure out. Our society does NOT do a very effective job giving males a healthy road map to follow on becoming a Good Man.
Becoming a Good Man
From childhood through adolescence, boys get the message that “being a man” has everything to do with being tough, strong, invincible, fearless – the total opposite of your mother and all girls!!
In young adulthood, through the end of his life, a man faces his first sense of manhood and self-worth – all defined through Power, Control and Sex.
Unfortunately, that road map takes men to unhealthy beliefs and behavioral practices. Some men take pride in how many kids they have with different “baby mommas.”
I ask: “How connected are you to your children? How responsible are you for their daily care and needs?”
They usually respond: “What do you mean?” Or, they change the subject.
My usual rejoinder is, “Oh, so you’re a breeder not a father.” I then explain: “It does not take any character skills to be a breeder”.
Well, then maybe becoming a good man has to do with success, achievements (other than helping to make babies), status and wealth. You know young men hear, “a man’s worth is based on his accomplishments.”
This silent assumption feeds men’s primal need to be a “hunter.” So, men headlong pursue every goal to achieve his desired goal and once he has achieved that goal then it’s on to the next one. For example, finding a mate, man invests whatever time, energy and strategies needed to achieve this life goal. Then it’s on to the next life goal and again whatever time, energy and effort is required, he will devote. The man’s partner is left asking, “What happened to the guy I was dating?”
Men do not do emotions well. Instead, they do their best to side step emotions whenever possible. A man will fight a grizzly bear with a tooth pick. Yet, ask that same man to embrace his feelings – of fear, shame, hurt, sorrow, confusion, self-doubt and inadequacy — and he will run for the hills, proud that he avoided his emotions.
There is one emotion men have been given permission to feel: ANGER. We’re encouraged to embrace anger because it is a “manly emotion.” When he does, at least it keeps us from popping like a balloon when we are overcome with genuine emotions.
So, those are the distorted beliefs that prevent males from developing into a “complete good man.” What does it take for a man to be a unique complete man?
Power, control, sex and achievement alone leave any man empty and unfulfilled. Instead, he is left with too many regrets and disappointments.
Becoming a complete good man requires men to make a 180-degree turn in thinking. Instead, his purpose and self-worth must be fed by character skills. Every day he must ask these critical questions about how:
- Responsible have I been?
- Dependable am I?
- Determined am I?
- Hard have I worked?
- Honest have I been?
- Self-disciplined am I?
- Respectful to others am I?
- Unselfish am I?
- Open minded am I?
- Emotionally courageous am I?
- Expressive am I?
Feelings are not feminine. They are Human. They are connected to those I say I love.
As we celebrate Radiant Health’s 100 Good Men Campaign, I celebrate those two-thirds of the men in our community who are healthy and practicing the “how” questions actively every days. Find out how you can honor them in time for Father’s Day (we send them a special certificate on your behalf). All proceeds benefit our programs that help produce healthy families – and men – for the future.
